Do you know that feeling when you feel like you’re just getting by every day?
This is what I picture my dream life as a homemaker would be —
In the mornings, I’ll burn pancakes and put too much sugar in Bobby’s coffee before he heads off to our quaint cafe for work. I’ll start doing some chores before waking up the kid/s. After everything’s done, I’ll prepare the little ones for a day of adventure — earth-schooling them so they are more in tune with the world.
During siesta time, I’ll whip out my watercolor & stationary stash so I can journal away. I’ll squeeze in some consult sessions for individuals who need help with website branding… or life coaching. At night, when Bobby gets home, I’ll have the parents and sisters over for dinner…. or maybe our friends who we can bond over food and chikka.
Once our day’s done, and we’ve put the kids back to bed again, Bobby & I will sit out our porch, tell each other about our day, and start planning our next weekend adventure. We’ll enjoy this “alone-time” — time away from the world, a time where we are in just the presence and light of the other…. until we feel sleepy, and go back to our room, cuddle and drift the night away.
Again, this is just what I had in mind. It’s ideal, but I won’t instantly achieve this…. well, not yet.
I know this entry’s going to sound so depressing, so draining. Bear with me. If you don’t want to read on, then go ahead. Close that window and go on with your lives. But if you feel like you’re feeling the same way, and no one can understand or empathize with you (at the moment, at least), then maybe you should read on a little longer.
Whatever happened to the dream, RJ? Anyare sayo? Ba’t ang lungkot mo? The million pesos question.
I find myself second-guessing every move, every decision I make because I’m too scared to leave my comfort zone. I’m not as confident as others, and I’ve always felt insecure whenever I’m surrounded by more capable people. It’s such a millennial thing to say, but seeing how my friends are — how they’re pursuing their dreams headstrong, where they are in life, and how success has been on their side. Nakakatuwa lang. Nakakainggit pero natutuwa ako para sa kanila.
This has been a
bad habit of mine growing up — comparing myself to others. It’s no one’s fault. My parents always taught me to be proud of everything I’ve done. They pushed me to be better in a positive manner, and I’m thankful for all their efforts in helping me become the person I am today.
But with social media, and being surrounded by people who have done “more” has put me in a place of despair.
I dislike feeling that life’s draining me. I find my thoughts racing back & forth, thinking if I should start with my passion projects, attend more workshops (to learn about my craft), or if I should write more. At the same time, I tell myself, “But if you do that, aren’t you spending less time with family? What about Bobby? Most of all, Ynigo?” Hay. Parang di ko alam san ako lulugar, or paano ako gagalaw without feeling like I’m sacrificing one thing for the other.
I am sad. I am depressed. But it doesn’t mean I can’t be functional. That’s why I got to write this post.
After publishing some of my recent social media ramblings, I got some much feedback from my friends, colleagues, and even fellow moms. I wasn’t alone. I always knew I wasn’t, but it’s different when even the most random of people decide to confess to you about what they’re going through — to the extent of asking advice on what to do.
This is why I wanted to make The Nanay Diaries.
I want to create a space of communication for those who are probably going through the same thing. If not, I just want it to be a public diary of mine that I hope others could learn from. It isn’t just for moms…. but I am a mom, so the “nanay” stays.
The Nanay Diaries
Bakit nga ba ako nahihirapan sa mga shit sa life ko ngayon? I find myself asking that every day, now. But I’m not going to let myself drown in my negativity. Instead, I want to channel these feelings and make it a point that I help maybe one person in this world with whatever realizations I’ve learned.
Ang Buhay Lokal isn’t always going to be about travel, as we’ve mentioned before. We welcome the infinite knowledge that the earth provides us, and share it with everyone who is willing to learn — whether it’s about our adventures, or about difficulties we experience within the, and as a family. Thus, The Nanay Diaries.
I use the #TheNanayDiaries whenever I write personal nanay things on Instagram. I was thinking if this should be something separate or incorporated in the blog. But for now, I’ll keep it here. I don’t just want it to be a series all about myself, but I want others moms going through the same thing to relate, to learn, to share.
So, I’ve been talking to some people who’ve given me words to remember whenever I feel like this. I’m hoping these help you so that we can all bounce back from our lowest, and start working on being better versions of ourselves. Here’s some that I’ve picked up over the few weeks:
1. Don’t compare yourself especially in our world full of social media.
Social media has its ways of uplifting you. Bobby actually said in one of our discussions over the weekend, “I like how social media presents me with so many opportunities, and inspirations that are aligned with what I want to establish for us in life.”
It also has its downfalls. I admit – as much as my world revolves around social media (it’s actually my job to be updated), I see other women, other moms living the life I’ve always dreamed of. Imagine: others are pursuing further studies abroad, some are building their passion projects, and making so much money out of it. If not that, I see how other people are more privileged — having more than I will ever make even if I sell my heart and soul to attain it.
But I learned to stop and keep what Bobby said — utilize social media to your advantage. Get inspiration and motivation from it. One of my role models said,
It’s harder with social media ’cause you get to compare and tend to see more people with capabilities and money, and all that. But always remember to ground yourself into something. My kids ground me all the time. Remember you’re luckier than many moms. You have many things that other moms only wish for.
I’m not saying I’m not content with what we have. It’s just really hard not to compare especially nowadays when people constantly update you with their lives – new shoes, new bag, attending an event, kids going to school meaning more me-time, and whatever. I’m blessed. I should remind myself that all the time.
2. Accept that you are on your own path.
If your friend is one step closer to becoming a millionaire, while you’re on the other end of the spectrum, trying to figure out what business to put up, don’t get intimidated because you are both on two separate paths. To each is her own.
You have to accept that it’s okay if you’re just writing the prologue of your life, while others are already are at their peaks. You determine your pace. If you’re on a slow, steady rate, at least you’re moving. That’s what matters — you are putting effort, time and energy, no matter how big or small, into the goals you plan to reach. You are in a flow that’s unlike any other, and that’s what makes any journey special.
Bobby & I have always struggled to accept this. We have a child together, but we feel like we’re fresh grads (technically, Bobby’s about to graduate) who are figuring out what to do with their lives. I’m currently doing digital strategy, while he’s finishing internship to complete his culinary degree. At the same time, we juggle being parents and it gets tiring. It gets hard. It gets stressful especially when we see how others are able to balance and deal with their lives “better” than we could.
3. Forgive yourself, even if it’s hard to do so.
I’ve always blamed a lot of life’s mishaps on myself —
If only I didn’t do….
Why did I even do that? Now, look at yourself.
Why can’t I be good enough?
I wish I could have changed…
All of these things you continue to feel sorry for yourself for is already in the past. I’m not saying to not acknowledge your mistakes, but you have to rise above them and learn from it. If you feel like there’s something you keep on doing that you want to change, instead of sulking, go change. It’s not as simple as it looks. As a mom, I find myself in situations where I wish I decided to do another thing instead of what I did. Sometimes, I look back at college RJ and tell myself, “Bakit mo ba kasi ginawa yun? Di ka nag-iisip. Tingnan mo tuloy….” But as much as I regret some of the things I’ve done, I wouldn’t become the person I am today because of those “bad” decisions.
You are YOU because of everything you’ve done. The good and the bad. It’s not wrong to make mistakes. But learn to forgive yourself. There is no sense in punishing your future for the mistakes of your past.
Forgiving yourself is a tough thing to do. Sometimes good people make bad choices, but these choices bring you to enlightenment. How do you forgive yourself? Well, there are different ways. You can start by conversing with yourself in the mirror. I know it sounds a bit retarded but it will help. Tell yourself why you’re feeling heavy, what things you can’t seem to move from, then share what you’ve learned. At the end, say “I forgive you.”
Start taking better care of yourself by doing the things that make you happy —- that make you feel alive. Learn watercolor, or go on that solo trip you’ve always wanted. Your family, your kids, and your husband will understand. At the end of your process, you’ll see a difference.
Sorry for the lengthy post but I just had to get this all out. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two from The Nanay Diaries and if you feel like you want to share anything, feel free to message us! Remember ~ don’t be ashamed of the negativity you feel. However, you need to learn how to move forward so you can see yourself on the path you’ve wanted for yourself and your family.
And me? Once I’ve fully learned to follow my own advice, I’ll be one step closer to the life I know our little family was always destined for.