Musings on Motherhood

Motherhood is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears that you weren’t aware that existed.

It can be hard to get up everyday with a gazillion tasks upon you. I wake up every day having to start my son’s morning routine while I scramble through tons of emails and messages I get for work. I’m quite lucky I have a kid who listens, and who’s as empathetic as I am (I’d like to think that). He knows when I’m frantic, and knows if I’m happy. He knows if he has to leave me alone, and give me my space to “mom”.

A lot has changed ever since I became a mother -

People saw how different I’ve become from the old me. I’m not as proud of the things I’ve done in the past… but I regret nothing. I believe everything happens for a reason. Yeah, I spent endless times partying hard, doing vices, and slacking off. For a time being, I didn’t care about school. I took everything for granted, and abused my independence. For what it’s worth, all the pain, the suffering, the finding myself phase - all those things built me up.

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When I knew I was about to become a mother, I was so afraid. I knew I wasn’t ready. But the moment I saw my son - it felt like he zapped me into a different person. Old me wouldn’t have been a good mother - but I know old me was essential in defining the kind of person, the kind of mother I am today.

I have lots of fears. I always fear that I’ll never be enough for my son. I grew up living a comfortable life. My parents sacrificed everything just to give us what we have. But I know with the circumstances at play, I won’t be able to provide to my son the same way my dad provided for us. I put myself down a lot - thinking I know I can do more, earn more, be more.

However, despite all my insecurities, my anxieties - I’m learning that this is all part of the process. This is the reality of motherhood. I know I’ll never stop worrying - but it is this same worry that will push you to go beyond what’s expected from you, what you expect from yourself. You’ll have times where you’d think, “I never thought I had it in me to do that.”

That’s the beauty of being a mom - there’s so much untapped strengths, talents, capabilities that you’ll uncover in your journey. Negativity will always linger, but you will overcome it.

So for now, as I write this, I want to tell myself:

RJ, you’ve gone through a lot - and you’re going to go through so much more. But whenever you get overwhelmed, remember there’s a little boy who’s life depends on you. You are the world that he revolves around in. You are his home, his comfort, his everything. On your hard days, be strong. On your bad days, hug your son and be reminded of what motherhood has taught you, of what you’re capable of.”